The Roller Coaster

Please note that I am about to be very honest with where I am at right now. Anything I say in here does not disregard all of the amazing support that I have received over the past few months. This is simply an update as to how I am and how I have been feeling since I am almost TWO MONTHS out from leaving for the WR Gap Year! 

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, and I mean that in the most literal way possible. I go back and forth between being excited out of my mind to leave for my trip and wanting to cry in the corner and beg God to slow down time. There has been very little in between. 

On one hand, I am pumped. Someone take me to the airport right now. I am ready. Team Jesus! Whoo! I know that this will be a period of growth and learning and being pushed out of my comfort zone and I am so ready for it. I have even gotten myself to a point where I am no longer disappointed that we couldn’t launch internationally yet and I am thrilled to have the chance to move to Georgia for the first three months. 

But on the other hand, I am scared and sad. Oh no no no no no, God. I take it back. I am not sure that I want to do this anymore. I know that in a couple months I will have to say goodbye to my friends and family and go live with people that I have never met in person before. I know that I will have to hug everyone goodbye and somehow manage to let go. I know that I will have to get on a plane with my massive backpack and find a way to not look back. 

Do I know that following Jesus is worth it? Yes. Does that make it easier for me? Not always. 

The past few weeks I have dealt with spiritual warfare in a lot of different ways. However, most of it has been through a voice in the back of my head that really likes lying to me. I have to constantly ask myself (or my parents have to ask me) if the words I hear are something Jesus would say. 

For example, over the past few weeks I have been reading through the Gospels, and I have been blown away by the willingness of the disciples to just drop everything and follow Jesus. For a long time I have been praying for a similar opportunity, and now that I have one, I often feel guilty for not having the same willingness. I have hesitations, and the enemy loves to make me feel inadequate because of them. 

Come on, Abby. You really think that God is going to be able to use you if you’re a nervous wreck like this? 

I would like to be able to say that I know what to do in those situations, and that I know I’m being lied to. However, if I’m being completely honest, too many times I find myself believing those words. I begin to get frustrated with myself for being nervous about leaving, and then instead of processing those nerves in a healthy way I try to deny them and end up going numb to the whole situation. I am not proud of this, but that’s how it goes sometimes. 

However, God has been so faithful to help me when I find myself questioning whether or not those words are true. He has been so good to put me back together when I fall apart and to remind me that He is using everything for His glory. And in a few months, as I cross the bridge of walking away from my family to follow Him, He will be glorified because in my weakness He is strong. He will give me the strength to let go and walk away and He will be glorified through it because there is absolutely no WAY I could do this on my own. 

I scribbled this poem on the corner of my journal a few weeks ago after reading my Bible: 

Who am I

to not tell my story

if it exists

to bring Him glory?

I am such a sunrise/sunset person. To me, they are reminders that no matter how chaotic or crazy life seems to get, God is always in control and He is always making everything beautiful, even in my roller coaster of emotions. 

I officially leave for the first phase of my trip in Georgia on September 2nd. Truthfully, I am excited. But I am also nervous and sad. So, if you happen to see me having a dance party one minute and then crying the next, feel free to laugh and give me a hug and remind me that everything is going to be just fine. 

Thanks for letting me share.