Break it down

Yesterday marked one month of living here in Gainesville! I simply cannot express how much that blows my mind. In some ways it feels like it has flown by and in other ways it feels like the longest month of my entire life and there is rarely any in between. 

This past week we had the privilege of doing men / women week. The men went off and did their own thing while the women stayed on campus and went through the AIM women’s retreat program called Beauty for Ashes. On Monday during our very first session we were talking about the ways that we view God. We were invited to ask God to reveal to us how it is we see Him. 

Y’all, the Lord REALLY convicted me. *Cue me bravely stepping into vulnerability.* He revealed to me that I see Him as an angry judge always waiting to condemn someone… ESPECIALLY me. For those of you who don’t know, I have always struggled with understanding God’s heart for me. I have believed for my entire life that He is constantly angry and impatient and frustrated with me. He revealed to me on Monday just how much bitterness that has created in me and just how deeply seeded that has been in my heart for so long. 

So I asked Him to break it down. I said “God. I want you to break down all the ways that I used to see you and build up on the truth.” 

I don’t think that I realized what a huge thing that was for me to ask Him to do. I guess that I simply thougt it would be a quick overnight fix. GUYS. I WAS WRONG. 

At this very moment I can honestly say that I have never been so confused about God in my entire life. When I say that I have never asked so many questions before I say it without any exaggeration. This has brought up so many different things for me and the past few days my brain has felt broken. It goes something like this…

Wait wait wait, you mean that when I mess up God isn’t angrily shaking His head at me? 

He isn’t sitting on His throne telling me to get it together? 

Well what caused me to see God in this way to begin with? 

Where did any of this even come from?? 

It has been a really hard and really frustrating week for me. I just did not realize how much damage had been done from seeing God in that way. It has impacted the way that I see not only Him but myself and the entire world. Also, He has slowly been revealing to me that a lot of this has been caused by a lot of emotional hurt that I stuffed so deeply inside my heart I forgot it was even there. He has been bringing things to light that I didn’t even know were there let alone hurting me. 

Simply put, both my heart and my brain are exhausted and completely drained. 

But do you want to know something crazy? 

I AM SO JOYFUL. 

As confused as I am I am learning that God is somehow going to use this season and He is going to deliver me out of it! One day I am going to look back on this and be like WOW God really did that and today I am doing so much better. You guys, it is the craziest thing. My brain will be spinning with endless questions and for some reason I feel like having a dance party and laughing with my friends. To put it simply… 

I have absolutely no idea what is happening BUT I cannot deny the joy in my soul. 

The other day I really had a breakdown about being confused. I went on a walk through the woods and poured out my heart to God and I cried and told Him that I didn’t know what to do. I had this vision of a crossroad and I felt like God said “You can either give up and be anxious and confused or you can trust that I am going to use this season. The choice is yours.” Y’all something inside of me was just not willing to give up! Hello, Holy Spirit! 

I wish that I could end this blog, wrap it up with a bow tie, and be done. But I can’t. Because I’m still confused and I’m still not sure what’s going on and I still have so many questions BUT GOD is going to use this somehow and I’m so thankful for His faithfulness. Stay tuned. 

Much love!